


service returns an untagged EXISTS response

by tweedymcgee



Category: Doctor Who, Homestuck
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Paradox, Pesterlog, Timey-Wimey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-07
Updated: 2012-08-07
Packaged: 2017-11-11 15:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tweedymcgee/pseuds/tweedymcgee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please ignore this memo, it's not important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	service returns an untagged EXISTS response

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY  
  
CCG: ATTENTION, WIGGLERS.  
CCG: THIS IS YOUR LEADER SPEAKING.  
CCG: I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY A BIPOLAR LISPING DIPSHIT THAT THE, AND I QUOTE, "2iick block of double-precii2iion 2elf-modiifyiing code" WE FOUND ON THE SERVER A FEW HOURS AGO IS IN FACT ALTERING VARIOUS KEY ASPECTS OF OUR SESSION.  
CCG: IN REVERSE.  
CCG: ALSO, JUST TO PUT A SWEET LITTLE CANDIED EGG SAC ATOP THE HOT-GRUBSAUCE-SPLATTERED FROZEN CONFECTION OF OUR CURRENT PREDICAMENT, FOR SOME REASON THERE IS NO LOG OF THIS MEMO ON TROLLIAN.  
CCG: FROM WHICH I CAN ONLY CONCLUDE THAT THERE ARE SOME NEW KINDS OF FUN THINK PAN BUSTING TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS AFOOT.  
CCG: OR ELSE THAT I'VE FINALLY CAUGHT THE FUCKING ONE-WAY MASS TRANSPORTATION DEVICE TO SHITHIVE MAGGOTSTOWN.  
CCG: FUCK, NONE OF YOU ARE EVEN GOING TO FIND THIS FUCKING MEMO, ARE YOU.  
??? tastyBiscuits [?TB] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?TB: Karkat!  
CCG: WHAT.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK, WHO ARE YOU?  
?TB: Oh, hello, hello, Karkat! It's a pleasure, a real pleasure. Oh, you /are/ rude, aren't you?  
CCG: YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WRONG THERE.  
CCG: I AM A PRINCE AMONG RUDENESSES.  
CCG: I AM THE ARCH-DUKE OF RUDEITUDE.  
CCG: I AM THE MIGHTY FUCKING APOSTLE OF BRASHNESS AND INSOLENCE. I HAVE SPAWNED WORLDS WITH THE SHEER FORCE OF MY IMPUDENCE. MY CHURLISH OBSCENITIES RANG OUT ACROSS THE VOID, AND LO, BRAND NEW UNIVERSES SPRANG UP, BRIMMING WITH NEWLY HATCHED MORONS.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY MEMO?  
?TB: Brilliant, just brilliant. I'm the D&afnkjds  
?TB: llkasjdfal  
?TB: akd;f  
?TB: Sorry about that. The TARDIS is shifting around, I just sort of fell on the keyboard for a minute there. Paradox space, you know, all full of potholes.  
CCG: OH JEGUS.  
CCG: OF COURSE.  
CCG: IT MUST BE MY FUCKING WRIGGLING DAY.  
CCG: CLEARLY I'VE FALLEN INTO AN ABLUTION TRAP BRIMMING WITH LUCKYJUICE AND COME OUT FUCKING GLISTENING ALL OVER.  
CCG: TEREZI'S BLUE BOX FREAK IS TROLLING MY MEMOS NOW.  
CCG: HI, ASSHOLE.  
?TB: Wellllllllll, you know, /technically/ I'm /un/-trolling them. I'm just going through deleting my old pesterlogs and installing a few reverse-temporal confabulation drivers on your server, to make sure I don't leave any ghosting causation anomalies in your session. I'm on the last one now. Won't be a tick.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]: 0:47 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]: THIS IS POINTLESS, JUST DROP IT.  
FCG: YOU WERE RIGHT, NO ONE IS EVEN GOING TO SEE THIS MEMO.  
FCG: WHICH IS PROBABLY JUST AS FUCKING WELL IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.  
?TB: Oh, hello, Karkat! I was just telling Karkat here--  
FCG: OH GOD.  
FCG: NOT TALKING TO YOU, DOCTOR.   
?TB: Right. Obviously.  
FCG: PAST ME, FORGET IT, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.  
FCG: JUST DO ME A FAVOR?  
FCG: ABANDON THIS MEMO POST-HASTE.  
FCG: WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A SHRED OF DIGNITY TO PRESERVE.  
?TB: Oh, /crumbs!!/  
FCG: WHAT?  
?TB: Forty-seven minutes. Blast it.  
CCG: WHAT?  
?TB: Er, clearly this is going to take a little longer than I thought. Oooh, I'm going to miss Graham Norton!  
FCG: PLEASE EXCUSE THE VISCOSITY OF MY COGITATION FLUID, DOCTOR, BUT DON'T YOU HAVE A FUCKING TIME MACHINE?  
?TB: Well, yes. It's a bit wibbly though.  
CCG: IF WE COULD,  
CCG: MAYBE,  
CCG: ATTEND TO SOME REALLY UNIMPORTANT STUFF.  
CCG: LIKE, YOU KNOW,  
CCG: AVOIDING BEING WIPED OUT OF EXISTENCE BY A SHITTY COMPUTER VIRUS.  
CCG: THAT IS, IF YOU TWO FLUSHPUPPETS AREN'T SUPER BUSY INHALING THE SUBLIME EXHALATIONS OF EACH OTHER'S EMPTY SQUAWK GAPERS.  
?TB: Karkat, please, tell Karkat, it's going to be okay.  
FCG: RIGHT.  
FCG: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS INANE BULLSHIT.  
FCG: THE DOCTOR'S RIGHT.  
FCG: NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO MATTER ANYWAY, TEREZI SAYS THIS TIMELINE IS DOOMED.  
FCG: I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY LAST FEW MINUTES OF CONSCIOUS CONTINUITY.  
FCG: LIKE SHIT MYSELF IN TERROR AND CRY LIKE A LITTLE GRUB.  
FCG: HAVE FUN, KIDS.  
FCG: I'M LEAVING.  
[FCG]ceased responding to memo.  
CCG: FUCK.  
CCG: GET BACK HERE.  
CCG: FUTURE ME, I DEMAND YOU EXPLAIN THAT CRYPTIC BULLSHIT.   
?TB: Don't worry about it. I told you, I'm taking care of it.  
CCG: OH, THAT IS SO FUCKING REASSURING, DOCTOR BULGELICKER.  
?TB: Is that an academic title on your world?  
CCG: YES.  
CCG: YES IT IS.  
CCG: ALLOW ME TO DECLARE YOU THE MOST CELEBRATED SCHOLAR OF BULBOUS BULGELICKERY.  
CCG: PLEASE ACCEPT THIS CERTIFICATE.  
?TB: I think I'm almost finished here.   
CCG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  
CCG: THAT CODE ON THE SERVER.  
CCG: IT'S YOURS, ISN'T IT?  
?TB: I'm sorry.  
CCG: OH GOD, IT IS.  
?TB: I'm so sorry.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE.  
?TB: I -- this is a little embarrassing, actually --  
?TB: I found your session, in this patch of z-space, a sort of weak spot between the walls of two universes, and I --  
?TB: -- well, I thought it was, you know, a game.  
CCG: IT IS A GAME, YOU DUMB FUCKING TIME ALIEN.  
?TB: I know. But it's a /real/ game.  
?TB: Anyway -- honestly, it's going to be all right. Well, it will have been.  
?TB: Well, not /all right,/ exactly, but less-not-all-right.  
?TB: I think.  
?TB: And Karkat?  
?TB: You are going to be amazing.  
CCG: DOCTOR?  
CCG: DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?  
CCG: THAT SORT OF REPETITIVE THUDDING NOISE?  
CCG: IT'S MY NUBBY LITTLE HORNS BASHING IN INFINITE RECURSIVE FUTILITY AGAINST THE TENDER CASING OF YOUR DISTRESS CLUSTERS.  
CCG: *GOD*  
CCG: I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: MY HATRED FOR YOU IS LIKE A BLACK FIBER THREADED THROUGH THE HOLLOW CORE OF YESTERDAY AND WRAPPED INTO A BIG DOUBLE KNOT AROUND THE SPINDLE OF NEXT WEEK.  
CCG: EPIC 2X HATECOMBO.  
CCG: DOUBLE MOBIUS HATEAROUND.  
?TB: I -- oooh, this is awkward.  
?TB: I don't want to be reading into things here --  
CCG: FUCK.  
CCG: FUCK, NO.  
CCG: DON'T EVEN.  
?TB: -- and, well, you're really good at this, at least over chat, but --  
CCG: WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO.  
CCG: IT KEEPS HAPPENING.  
?TB: -- honestly, you're much too young, and I'm sort of, well, /taken/.  
  
[CCG] banned ?TB: from responding to memo.  
[CCG] banned FCG: from responding to memo.  
[CCG] ceased responding to memo.

**Author's Note:**

> Crackpot Theory of Gallifreyan Sexuality #672: Time Lords, like humans, have just one variety of romance. It's a bit blacker, is all. The Romance Novels of Rassilon are full of ritual battlefield snuggles and softcore regeneration porn.
> 
> This probably ought to be called "Kar Krash," but I couldn't bring myself to do it.


End file.
